Persoonlijke & relationele groei

Sexual Relationships and Deep Love (Tom Monte)

Question: Is sexual exclusivity a condition for a deep, satisfying, and respectful loving relationship? Answer: Ultimately, yes.
Question: Can you have more than one sexual partner in a love relationship?
Answer: Yes.

It seems to me that the purpose of all relationships is to help us develop self-love, to learn to love others, and to gain self-knowledge. It is part of the perfection and mystery of life that each relationship has its own unique purpose in our lives. Some relationships are meant to include sex; others are platonic. It is part of our learning to decide which are which. When expressed with love, sex gives us the experience of intimate union with the body, heart, and soul of another human being. Your breath and that of your lover's mingle; your heart beats come into rhythm; your bodies and souls unite. Sex allows you to enter the most sensitive, guarded, and sacred inner realms of another person, just as it allows someone else to enter your inner world. At the center of this primal inner world, we are all pure love, tender and vulnerable. There is no such thing as casual sex. You will always remember the people you have shared this part of your being with. And you will always be joined with them, even if you never see each other again in this life. Because the sexual experience is so powerful, and because it affects us in our most sensitive and vulnerable places, sex also has the power to create the greatest wounds and deepest misery. For that reason, all sex without love is a form of sexual abuse, even when it is self-inflicted. The purpose of letting someone into this spiritual realm - and at the same time, entering his or her heart and soul yourselfis for the two of you to be joined on a journey to greater love and self-discovery. Sex is the beginning of that journey, you might say. The journey itself may last a few months, a few years, or a lifetime, we don't know. But with the sexual act, you have created an unbreakable bond. By taking up the spiritual path together, you have agreed to respect and honor the bond that was created between you when you joined in sex. This is why we want sexual exclusivity: Because in this sacred and sensitive place where lovers unite, there is a great desire for order. Order allows us to develop a deep understanding of who we are and who our lover is. Chaos creates confusion and confusion leads to self-destructive behavior and even death. The reason, very simply, is that chaos and confusion lead us away from self-knowledge and self-love; they take us away from our natural life path. That is why promiscuity has always been thought of as unhealthy and spiritually destructive: It creates chaos in the heart. Through order, we come to understand and love ourselves and, in the process, come to better understand and love others. This is the organic way of life. As we proceed on this way, we grow closer to those infinite ideals of unconditional love and omniscience. No one can control his or her life to keep it absolutely orderly, however. Each of us does our best, but life is uncontrollable. There are many unexpected turns in the road and many unexpected people who cross our paths. We yearn for order and understanding, yet we are constantly confronting our ignorance and the disorderliness of our lives. From time to time, all of us are thrown into chaos.

No matter what your present relationships may be, you may be confronted with someone tomorrow for whom you have a strong love and a sexual attraction. If you are already involved with someone else, or you are married, or the person you suddenly love is similarly involved or married, the situation you face can be very confusing. God, or the Great Spirit, has brought all the parties together you, this new person, your present lover, and perhaps the new person's current lover, as well. In effect, the Universe has given the three or four of you a puzzle to solve. You can solve the puzzle only by loving yourself; loving the other people involved; and by being courageous and honest with yourself and with the other people involved in the situation. It is my humble opinion - and only my opinion - that the Universe does not judge anyone for having sex with someone he or she truly loves. There is no blame, from Heaven's perspective, I believe. The Great Spirit who has brought us together understands that this is a difficult situation and that there are strong emotions, psychological needs, and ancient bonds involved in the relationships.

From the Universe's standpoint of ultimate compassion and unconditional love comes a higher purpose: We have been brought together to know ourselves more deeply and to love ourselves and each other more fully. In effect, the Universe is asking us to be loving, courageous, and honest - even in the face of a very difficult challenge. That is what is desired and that is the ethic we are unconsciously trying to live up to. Those characteristics are the only ones that will lead to the resolution of the questions that may arise now. From the Earthly perspective, there are many practical and emotional issues to consider, and there is the potential for the people involved to wound each other in terrible and lasting ways. In the end, we could come to hate each other and ourselves, which is against everything that lies beneath the situation; it is against all that brought us together. Yet, hate is often the consequence of broken hearts and unrequited love. The people involved in the situation must be very careful with each other's hearts. This is the paradox of sex- that it brings with it great joys and enormous challenges. You cannot have only one side of the gift; you must accept both. This complicated situation has a purpose, but only in surrender can the purpose be found.

By surrender, I mean to love all the people involved in the situation. It is my opinion that only when all the parties involved understand and love each other can each person find their proper places in one another's lives. There is no single cookie-cutter solution to the problem. Only the people involved can know how they must arrange themselvesor rearrange themselves - for all to be happy and satisfied. At this point, we must ask the question: Can the sexual relationship be satisfying and rewarding? Can it be worth it? The answer is absolutely yes. Sex is the greatest tool for self-love, love of another, and self-discovery. It can move us rapidly along our spiritual paths. But as with all sex, it comes at a price. Ultimately, we must surrender control and judgment, and ask ourselves honestly and courageously: Who am I? Where do I belong? Where does this new person whom I love belong in my life? Where does my present lover belong in my life? For what reason has this new love come into my life? What does he or she have to teach me? What should I do for the good of myself, for the person I love, for all the people involved in this situation? The answers may not be immediately apparent, especially if we are angry or excessively needy, or deliberately blinding ourselves from the truth. One of the keys to the riddle of this situation is to feel compassion for ourselves - but not self-pity. Compassion and self-pity are opposites. Compassion leads us into deep intimacy with the experience of life and with our own hearts. Compassion leads us to accept responsibility for our actions - without blaming ourselves - and for finding the solution to the challenge. True compassion causes people to stand up in dignity and understanding. Self-pity is the childish abdication of responsibility and the act of blaming others for one's predicament. Self-pity causes people to sit down and demand the solution from others. Only by being compassionate with ourselves can we begin to feel compassionate for the others involved. The answer will eventually emerge.

Once it does, we must be absolutely firm in our decision to move forward. Now is the time for commitment to our path and to the person with whom we wish to share our lives. Now is the time for being a warrior. We stand in the truth; love demands courage, honesty, and commitment. Life teaches us to let go of the childish belief that we can have everything and still be true to ourselves. We realize that love sometimes requires sacrifice. But by making the sacrifice, we are granted rebirth and the opening of a new path in life. Love is only for the bravest of souls.

OWC - Persoonlijke & relationele groei